REAL TALK: I’m Not Keeping it Together

Feeling trapped, angry, and as if our current reality will last forever. Truth be told, I’m not handling all of this chaos well.

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Fun fact (not really fun, but I handle most things with sarcasm, so…), I’m not handling all of this uncertainty, quarantining, social-distancing stuff so well. Truth is, I’m not handling it well at all. Maybe it’s because I just started reading Jessica Simpson’s memoir, Open Book, and her realness and frankness have opened my eyes to the fact that I feel like the world is crumbling down around me, but I think it’s time I cut the shit. I’m struggling, y’all.

It’s weird because I was seriously convinced that I was okay. But I should know better, depression has a way of tricking your mind. I only suffered from a few spaced out mental breakdowns in the last few weeks (if you follow my Instagram Stories, then you totally know what I’m talking about), so I really believed that I was doing pretty good, given the circumstances. I addressed the need for self-care in times of stress, I shared how I was coping through all the chaos, as well as a few ways we can help flatten the curve…and I even advised how we should be grateful for the happy moments in our lives. And yet I’m feeling so lost in myself.

I don’t like who I am and how I’m making myself or those around me feel. I feel anger and grief, and just want to give up. It’s like, at the end of the day I’m so thankful that the day is over, only to realized it’s more of the same the very next day. And the one after that, and so on. I feel trapped.

This week is opening up a whole new can of worms. Remy starts distanced learning and I have to take on the responsibility of making sure she’s prepared for her online classes, answer any questions she might have along the way, and ensure she’s learning. I have to do all this while doing my own work which is harder when you’re the only one on your team with children. I have to stay on top of my load while seemingly being able to take on more if needed. And I feel unreasonable and invalidated if I say I can’t take on more or that I have to step away to be a mom and a teacher. I’m drowning.

I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That our current reality won’t last forever. That this just may be one of my dark holes. But right now, everything feels so permanent. I’m really trying to take everything one day at a time, but it’s hard. Everyday is hard. I’m having trouble dealing and just wish things were a little easier. Well, that’s where I’m leaving it. I just want things to get easier.