On Owning Who You Are

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The age of 32 has been the most self-reflective year of my life. I still have a few months left of this version of myself but I think the New Year has got me all thoughtful about the future. As I enter a new chapter in my life (details to be shared in a future post) and close the door to an opportunity that’s brought me great satisfaction and accomplishment, I’m leaving with me a sense of clarity for who I am.

Everyday in this journey we call adulthood is like a new test. Will I pass? Will I fail? It’s all about “faking it until you make it” and perception but all that trying can get really tiring. Pleasing people. Playing a role. Adjusting who you are just to be seen in a different light. It’s draining. Especially if you are trying to be someone you’re not just to be seen.

Growing up I’ve always been told that I’m good at following directions and doing as I’m told. That I’m a good soldier. In other words that I have passive personality. But I have to ask, when did that become a bad thing? I’m pretty sure aggressive isn’t at the end of that descriptor. Just because I don’t have a Type A Personality doesn’t mean I’m less than. I don’t have to be a natural born leader to lead. And while it may not come naturally to me, I can still lead without being forced to.

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It takes a lot to both realize and make peace with the parts of you that other’s don’t like – the physical or personality traits that don’t fit in to society’s picture of who you should be. Continuously practicing feelings of acceptance and praise with the small things (e.g. I’m kind of messy, I like eating with my hands, I’m passive) makes it a a little easier to accept who I am when it’s really important. But those realizations are hard, and sometimes fitting into other’s view of who you should be can be easier. I did that for far too long and only recently realized that I had lost myself along the way.

What I’ve learned from this is that growing into yourself isn’t always all that hard. As we get older we become more comfortable and actually start embracing the things that made us feel awkward or out of place. It’s funny that the qualities that set us apart now make us unique, different, and in my case confident. I’m confident in the fact that I’m a good soldier. I’m reliable. I’m dependable. And I can stand firm in the fact that I own my passive personality even if some don’t like it.